Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
