He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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