im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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