i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
sarcasm needs its own font
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Every concussion has its silver lining
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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