she woke up with a sticky ear
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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