my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
bring money and cleavage
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
