i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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