so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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