Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
