I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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