I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
