totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
