Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
