I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
