I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
There r osticjed everywhere
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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