He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize