I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
