seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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