My hand turned me down
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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