No awkward lesbian experiences without me
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
