I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
