Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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