My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
He told me they were just razor bumps!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
