1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
