sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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