There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
