chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
