I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
