And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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