i just google imaged poop.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
