Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
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