I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
