so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
