I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
