my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize