Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
