I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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