i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
