quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
