On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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