two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Shame - the story of my life.
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