Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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