I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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