If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
