I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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