If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
