It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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