So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
