Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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