im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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