the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I still have a little drunk in my system
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize