You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
