No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
