I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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