Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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