I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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