I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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